This Place is Empty

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This place is empty right here beside me,

yet I can still see your face.

See the warm smile playing on your lips,

how bashfully you look away.

Now my day is better, worries are less,

just to think of you so near.

But my heart saddens, heavy in my chest,

at night when your face disappears.

The night is so cruel to take you from me,

but the truth is what I must bare.

Our days have ended and our time has passed,

I'm lonely but I'm not scared.

I know there's someone just waiting for me,

simply to glance their way.

I'll see her smile so warmly towards me

and I'll smile at her just the same.

Because there's this place right here beside me,

and she just made my heart race.

Can't help my smile from growing wider

as she bashfully looks away.

~/~/~/~

Question: Love

I have been asked several questions recently on the topic of love. Am I currently or have I ever been in love? Do I believe in true love or love at first sight?

I hesitated to answer these questions because most  tend to have strong feelings on this topic and I didn't want to ruffle any feathers. But since I have been asked about it several times, I figure I might as well try my hardest to answer. lol.

Do I believe in true love or love at first sight?

No but yes. I do believe that you can love someone as a person as soon as you meet them. However, I do not believe you can fall in love with someone at first sight. Loving and being in love are two very different things and the depth of emotion it takes to qualify as being in love is far, far, far too deep to feel by just seeing someone in my opinion.

Have I ever been, or am I currently in love?

My answer sort of works with the above response. I have always been a deeply emotional person, however, I have shut myself off from people for the majority of my life. I hid for a very long time from everyone while i struggled with accepting myself. I am currently learning to open up and sharing with people, giving them the opportunity to learn about me in the depth it would require to fall in love with me.

Hopefully that answered all of your questions. If you have anymore, feel free to ask. I will be posting again soon. I promise.

A Declaration To Stand

I take a deep breath.
Let it out slow.
Let the pain of the world fall away.
Don't let it touch me.
I wont let it touch me.
I refuse to be made to feel this way.
Like how I feel,
and how I think,
how I see the world with my eyes
is something I should be ashamed of
Something I should be trying to hide.

I want to feel happy.
I want to feel free.
Simply to be who I am.
So I say this to you,
whoever you are,
this is my declaration to stand.
To stand for a cause,
for what I believe,
for the person here at my side.
For the love that I feel,
the love that we have.
For them, I will no longer hide.

Something Special To Share

I just got home from work and decided to check my other email account. I usually don't because most everything is sent to the one that I use for this blog, yet I decided to anyway. I had one unread message and I will post it now:
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I have been following your blog since you started it and am very impressed with the scope of your phenomenal writing talent (skills is not a descriptive enough word, it falls short by miles). The pride I have in you now will be minuscule compared to what I know I will have in you later in life as you  expand beyond a blog and your fanfic endeavors.

There have been a few inaccuracies in some of your postings and being the perfectionist that you and your fans know I am, it has been difficult for me to not correct them but they are in your world so I will leave them alone. Except for one.

I will admit that I have not reacted to your "coming out" in any way. That is because there is nothing to react to.  You are still my daughter and I love you just as much now as I did before and as much before as I do now. You are also still just as aggravating.

What you need to remember and always keep in the back of your mind is that your mother and I grew up in a totally different time. Try as you might you cannot fully comprehend or grasp the full scope of that difference.  As a male of the human species I grew up learning to be strong and in control of my emotions and even though today it might not be unmanly to display your emotions to the world, I find it almost impossible to do so. Keeping everything inside is just part of me

As for your mother, she has no problem displaying her emotions. She is old school just like I am except her upbringing programmed he to be a wife and mother. That includes visualizing life down the road of her children doing the same thing. From the time she was a little girl she has practiced "family stuff" and that is a part of who she is. Nothing will ever change that.  The difference between us is that being female and Italian on top of that your mother has no problem being dramatic and vocal about her feelings.  Do not for an instant equate this with loving you any less because it wont happen.

I think I will stop at this point but I am reserving the option to comment later if the mood or uncontrollable urge strikes me.  Feel free to share this with your fans if you want or to keep it to yourself or to ignore it if that suits you.

Your loving Dad

P.S.  Your sister got her hazel eyes from me. My eyes were brown/green when I was younger just like hers are.  It even stated such on my Wisconsin drivers license.

~/~/~/~

I have since spoken with my father and thanked him for opening up as much as he did. It was more than I could have ever imagined coming from him (a man of few words).

And while I want to take all of what was said to heart, and I mostly do, I still have issues with my mother's reaction. I understand that having a gay daughter is not something someone from her generation ever expects. I get that. I understand that it's not something easy to accept. My issues with her reaction is primarily with the fact that she taught us to accept differences, to embrace them, to celebrate them even, be proud of who you are if you're different. But when given the opportunity to do so, she did the opposite on multiple occasions.

I'm not saying that she loves me any less. I guess I just feel that she let me down as a role model. We hold our parents to be the prime example of what we are suppose to strive to be and take their advice to heart, whether we follow it or not. And to believe something about someone for so long only to have it be proven incorrect when you are depending on it most... it hurts. I know my mother still loves me and I love her regardless of the things she says, but that doesn't stop them from hurting and I just wish that she would see that.

You're Here Now

You're here now. Maybe that's what I was missing.
I've been fighting myself and the world for everything that meant nothing.
Now there's this warmth from a smile, this comfort from a touch,
and the knowledge of knowing that before you, I'd never felt this much.
How you've done this to me, I still don't understand,
But my world of pain vanishes with the wave of your hand.
You may touch my skin but I feel it in my soul,
and the pieces of myself I've found have suddenly grown whole.
The only thing to pain me is the thoughts of our pasts.
Lost without each other, love just out side our grasps.
My eyes of memory shut tight with regret,
for all that time wasted before pride fell and hearts met.
Yet somehow when they open your hand is in mine.
You're here now, and so will I be for the rest of time.

Write Me A Poem

Write me a poem. Write me your words.
Tell me your thoughts and the things that you've heard.
Share with me your life, your love, and passion.
Tell me of your day's experiences and what unexpected things happened.

Express to me what you never have before,
Because it's the expression of such that makes our love grow more.
A deeper connection grows strong from such things
And away with your thoughts, my heart flies and it sings.

Sings of days spent with my head on your chest.
When time ticks by slower, more content than the rest.
When my heart was not mine, but yours instead.
And when I realized that I, before you, was dead.

You gave life to these bone, breathed air to my lungs.
Your gift of words gave me miles of dreams to be spun.
You gave me things I could never give in return:
a passion for love and life that inside me just burns.

~/~/~/~
I was working on the Adrianne/Quinn fic when this poem came to me. If put in context with the story, it would be from Rachel to Quinn in BWYDT.

My Gift to You

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Touch me, just the lightest of grazes
     and the world stops where I stand.
My heart pounds with a fluttering beat
     just from the touch of your hand.
The very air is sucked from my lungs
     and I'm left gasping for breath.
My mind stumbles through its train of thought
     as my heart is ripped from my chest.

It's yours, just take it, my gift to you
     and do with it what you will.
It matters not, your feelings for me
     as you see, my love beats still.
~/~/~/~

Sometimes Is Not Now

Sometimes,

it's better left for another time,

to talk of what was meant between the lines

of what you said and what it was I heard.

But then again,

I can't just ignore that fiendish grin,

all those little digs you've been digging in,

and how drawn lines have blurred.

So can I disregard

all those things you said to break my heart,

all those vicious lies told from the start?

My heart and mind, they're just not so sure.

~/~/~/~

The answer to the riddle was your mind. It wanders, you can speak it, and it gets lost.

PS. Loved the poetry. Heartbreaking yet beautiful.

I Will Pray

If there is a God, I will pray to Him tonight.
I will thank Him just for having you at my side.
As I watch you here sleeping next to me,
your eyes close lightly as you drift into dream.

I can't stop my desire to touch your soft hair,
to run my hands through it in the cool night's air.
And while I find myself smiling shamelessly without cause,
when you stir faintly under my touch, my love sick heart gives pause.

I have never imagined myself this way,
so taken by someone, captivated without sway.
Tonight is a night I shall not allow myself to sleep,
but instead make memories of your beauty to keep.

I will pray to God that this night lives long,
that the day is held at bay while this dream dreams on.
I will pray that when your eyes do open to day's light,
that the smile on my face tells you of the most magical night.

Wanted:

Moments of genuine interest
     and words of elegant application
Paired with thought-provoking challenges
     and enticing real conversation,
Radiant, absent-minded smiles
     and uncontrollable laughing fits
Induced by an intense, intriguing mind
     and perfectly time quirky quips.

I Could

I could send you roses or buy chocolates in the shape of hearts.

I could write you a poem and say it's been written in the stars.

I could kiss your hand, your lips, or cheek.

I could smile at you and make your knees go weak.

I could call your name and you'd love the sound from my lips.

I could tell you your everything that makes up my biggest wish.

I could do all these things that I say I could,

but they still wont show my love like I think they should.

"Tell me."
"I can't. You'll ruin the surprise."
"Then show me."
"I can't. It's not for your eyes."
"Then how will I-"
"You'll know. You just have to play a part."
"But how will I-"
"You'll know when we kiss, you have my heart."