New Blog

Life has changed a great deal for me over the last many years. I think it's time for a clean slate. If you are interested, I'm starting a new blog. Life Unpredicted I hope to see you over there. Thank you all for all of your patience and well wishes.

Hmmm... This is like visiting ghosts of the past... I'm not sure if anyone still reads this blog since life has taken me away from it and my writing for so long. I've gotten the urge to touch base though. Anyone still out there? lol.

Colors

I am not so hidden.

Are my colors not in view?

Are my sleeves not rolled,

my skin not shown,

or are my colors just the wrong hue?

 

Are my blacks too brown?

Too faded and worn?

Did I mix my reds and my blues?

Should I show you my frown,

the places I'm torn,

or bare you the soles of my shoes?

 

For they have walked many miles

through life of all colors

to become what it is that you see.

So I shall wear a full smile

in search of my lover

for I am not ashamed to be me.

Untitled Poem #3

Creativity
seeps,
surges,
puddles,
and pours,
But cannot escape because of my criticism,
not yours.

Expression's
restricted,
censored,
and pushed aside.
Not nearly as forgotten as neglected,
denied.

S'up?

So, this last week didn't play out the way I was anticipating. I had to derail most of my planned writing time to do some testing as my doctor and I try to wrap up a few minor health issues carrying over from the chemo. Nothing serious. No worries there. Just a possible continuing reaction from one of my chemo drugs. Hopefully it will all work itself out in time.

Clearly I didn't get to the update of the story. I did write some but not enough to justify posting so hang in there a bit longer. I will try to find some time and muster a flow of the creative juices to give you something worth reading.

Let's talk about New York. The New York City. I recommend a visit for anyone. It is a city that is experienced just by being there. You don't even have to do anything but walk around and it sort of envelopes you. So many wonderful things to do and see. Including Strand, a book store a wonderful, wonderful friend of mine introduced me to that has over 18 miles of books if you were to line them up. Unbelievable. I wont deny it. I was overwhelmed just walking into the store.

The joy of the whole trip hasn't worn off yet but when it does I am sure I can force out a few quirky stories to share. Like how we continuously kept got lost whether it be walking, on the subway, or driving because the above mentioned wonderful, wonderful friend has issues with accepting directions.

Me: Turn left.
Friend: We turn left?
Me: Yes. We turn left here. Turn left onto Battery Tun.
Friend: ...I feel we should be going right.
*half hour later*
Friend: We should have turned left back there.

You know I love you. And for those who are interested in looking her up, she is an author I meet through ffnet under the screen name WonderousPlaceForAnEcho . She writes Glee stories as well as for a few other shows and values realistic stories. And is one of the reasons I will always value my adventures through fanfiction. Who knew it could lead to great friendships.

But yes, onward. I have some new poems, more pictures and stories all headed your way. Still trying to figure out how to add my stories to this site just in case ffnet goes through with the threat of taking down more "in depth" stories. If you have any suggestions please let me know. Oh, I saw that Blogger now lets me reply to your comments so I will be taking advantage of that as well.

Talk to you all soon.

Lots of Updates

This post is going to be jam packed. Firstly, I have heard from several of you that ffnet is going to start taking certain stories down. I will be looking into posting them on here so you will still be able to read them. No worries, they will always be available to you.

Second update: I finished my 12 treatments of chemotherapy and had my PET scans last Friday. Tuesday I found out those results. I am officially a survivor of cancer. I want to thank everyone who has sent me messages, emails, reviews... all wishing me well or sending me their prayers. They have meant so much to me through this time.

Third update: I will be focusing on wrapping up Where Love Leads Us soon. I am currently in New York City and will begin typing up the rest of the next chapter as soon as I get home. Until then, I hope these pictures will help pass some time.

Thank you all again.

New Poem

With the lack of updates both here and on ffnet, I'm not sure how many people still come here but I felt I needed to share anything just so you know I'm still here. I have 2/3 of a new chapter for the story but want to be partially into the next before I post it so I know you wont have to wait months like you have been. (you are all amazing in that way). So here is a new poem and hopefully I will have the chapter up by Monday.

~/~/~/~

When I'm with you, love takes control.

It's what guides me to hold you close,

What dares me to speak so bold.

When I whisper in your ear real low,

and our bodies sway as we dance so slow,

the smile that you fight but grows

tells me all I need to know.

If I hold a little tighter

Whisper yet a little lighter

Linger near a little longer

The comfort grows only stronger. 

~/~/~/~

Time for an update. Well, the update is overdue but we were so close to a mile marker that I wanted to just hold out a little bit longer.

Yesterday was my last chemo treatment! As to what that actually means, we don't know yet. But I'm just excited to not have to go through it anymore for a while AND be able to sleep on my left arm since my PICC was removed right after. My chemo nurse tried to have a little fun with my mother by calling her up at the end of my treatment and say "We have a problem. Her PICC line fell out."

My mother instantly started asking the twenty questions like "How can it fall out, it's two feet long? Does this mean she has to have another put in to finish her treatment?"

I was medicated into a light stupor but everyone else in the room got a chuckle out of it.

But on to the next stages.

The first: Celebration. I'm headed to Boloxi, Mississippi with my parents to hit the casino one weekend. Hoping for some luck and money to start paying off these medical bills. lol. I also have plans some time down the road to get a very specific tattoo about this whole ordeal. And the big cherry on top is my best friend Amy is taking up to New York for a vacation! I'm sure you all can see why I love her so much... at least one of the many reasons.

But then the second stage is back to the medical. We don't know if I am in remission or not. So in six weeks I will be doing PET scans in a nearby hospital. Those will show if there is any cancer still lingering. The problem with the scans is they have a 40% false-positive rate. So if the scans come back and say I still have cancer, there is a 40% chance that I actually don't.

So if the scans come back positive, I will have another surgery to biopsy whichever lymph node is showing positive. That will be our determining factor.

All of this means that for the next 8 weeks.... I have a normal life again! Woohoo! I hope to get a lot of writing done and should life allow, finish up the fic as well.

Thank you for all of you emails, comments, messages, and reviews. You have no idea how much reading them has help. From your personal stories to your simple 'get well soon'. I assure you they have all been heard and have helped.

Here's to hoping that in 8 weeks, I'm cancer free.

Fuzziness and A Quick Update

Let's start this off with something sort of humorous. You see, I use to have long hair. I mean, long, wavy, down to the middle of my back hair. I cant even remember the last time it was cut above my shoulders. I'm fairly certain it has been over a decade which makes me feel rather old now that I think about it.

Anyway! Thanks to the chemo my hair started to fall out after a few weeks. It was a very slow process which was in contrast to everything I had been told. I was expecting to be bald after my second treatment. But there would be many, many more stages in between. I first cut my hair to shoulder length, then as it became more of a hassle to clean up the hair from the floor and my sheets, I recruited my father to give me a buzz/pixie style cut. That lasted for about two months.

My hair actually continued to grow. Well... some of it did while some of it stunted in growth or continued to fall out. To say the least I was beginning to look at little shabby with random, unruly long hairs reaching out past the shorter ones waiting to fall out. But on to the actual humorous part.

I was feeling rather poorly one day and my mother noticed as she walked by my room. I was sitting on the side of my bed and pulled off my beanie hat as she entered to talk with me. Just a few steps into my room though she stops, pauses, and then begins to fight a growing smirk on her face. I knew instantly what it was about as she dropped her head between her shoulders and began to chuckle. So I rolled my eyes and waited for it.

Sure enough in a low tone came the chant from child hood. "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he? But  you are!"

Needless to say I buzzed my head again just a few days later.

~/~/~

On to the update which I don't really have a lot to say about. My scans showed that I still have a mass in my neck but it has gone down by half in size. Unfortunately, that doesn't really tell us anything. Seems that some lymph nodes may never return to normal size after having lymphoma. So I have four more treatments and afterward we will do repeat CT scans to see if there has been any change. If it remains the same size we know that it is just the new "norm" for me and that I am in remission. If it gets smaller, the chemo is still being effective which means I still have cancer and will need additional chemo treatments as well as daily radiation.

So here is to hoping that the lymph node remains swollen... a very odd concept.

Thank you again to everyone who has sent their prayers, thoughts, and well wishes. They are indeed helping me through. And even if I haven't managed to respond back to you directly, I have read every single message and email sent to me if not multiple times a piece. I can not say thank you enough for your support.

Hi

Okay, so clearly I didn't get to update like I had hoped but I'm still here! Thank you for all of your well wishes and kind words.

Unfortunetly the side effects from my chemotherapy haven't wained as time progressed so we are having to treat them with more meds. They help with the side effects and therefore keep me out of the hospital but leave me in a groggy state for several days and slow my "jump back" time from each treatment. Add that to what hours I can find at work and I'm pretty much wiped.

On the upside though... I only have 4 more treatments. So 8 more weeks! I'm very excited. I am more excited because we are doing scans to restage me Monday and my doctor is already thinking I am in remission. Fingers crossed that this will soon be over and I can get back to life the way I liked it.

Clearly with all the treatments, meds, tests, and work hours I wont be able to update for awhile but I still plan on finishing up the sequel after the treatments. I don't like to leave things open and you all have been so great that I don't want to cut it short either. So thank you all again for the messages and emails. You have no idea how much they mean to me right now and how much of a positive distraction they are providing.

Hope to update you again soon with official good news.

Update on me and the stories

At this very moment... or rather the moments before I started this post, I have begun writing the next chapter for "Where Love Leads Us". I already had a bit of it jotted down so now I am typing it up. I hope to have the chapter up before Thursday. That is my next Chemo treatment and will take me out of the game for awhile.

I'm doing alright. Still hanging in there and keeping my sights set on the end. Almost to the halfway mark. I'm already working on my celebration for once the cycle of 12 is over. Friends, family, gambling, and tattoos. lol. Makes me sound like a badass despite how much of a dork I am.

I just wanted to let you know that I haven't abandoned the story or the blog. I've been working on some poetry as well but have found my medications really take a toll on my creativity and ability to focus. Thank you for your patience.

Old Stuff

~/~/~/~

Unchanging are the minds of the narrow and old,
as detours prove unwelcome, unsettling, and bold.
So set in their ways, paths rigid and worn,
forgetting all else, possibilities unshown.
But forsaking one's happiness for the good graces of foes,
is delivering to oneself the most detrimental of blows.

~/~/~/~

On a crisp, cool night, no worries fill my mind
as heavy tears fall and raw emotion blinds,
a gasp of breath feels so painfully clear
as my heart opens wide to release my deepest fear.

Not a fear of loneliness or another's words
meant with such a painful bitter sting,
but to be grouped amongst the massing herd
as just another common place thing.

~/~/~/~

New Favorite Video and Update

Alrighty, long time no talk. Sorry for that. I had my first Chemo treatment way back on the 1st. Goodness. Chemo is different for each person based on the type of cancer, the stage of cancer, and the person's ability to withstand the side effects of the medicines.

I just turned 25, am otherwise healthy, and have stage 2-B Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It is an aggressive cancer and I am young so my Doctor is wanting an aggressive Chemotherapy treatment. While the majority of fellow patients I have talked to receive one or two 'bags' of medicine every 30-90 days, I receive four bags of medicine every 14 days. So this Thursday marks my second treatment.

To be honest, I am nervous. The first one ended up being hell. It really started out fine. The small hospital I am going to has a nice treatment center with an amazing nurse who, along with my mother, kept me entertained for the four hours it took for the treatment. But about 3 hours after I got home it all hit me. It wasn't until Sunday that I was able to keep any form of solid food down and then it was only dried cereal or tortilla chips in small quantities. If you are ever looking to lose weight, try the Chemo diet. lol. No, really, don't.

I am hoping that the first treatment is sort of the shock to the system and this next one will be less of an issue. I also have the appropriate medications for afterward. The original anti-nausea meds weren't strong enough it seems. 

This here is an awkward shot of the bottom end of my PICC line and the pretty orange medicine is actually the one that will probably make my hair fall out. It has a 50% chance to do so as does one of the other bags I am getting. But I am prepared for that, starting a nice collection of beanie hats.

~/~/~/~

But on to the second part of this post. I have been watching this one video over and over and over and know a few of you would be interested in seeing it. The set itself is actually an older one of theirs but this video was just too goo to pass up without sharing. Their names are Keone Madrid and Mari Martin. You should check them out on your own. Very talented duo.

See, I knew moving back home would begin to provide me with some interesting stories. Please, allow me to start from the beginning.

I have almost always had incredibly long hair. I think for the last almost decade my hair has been below my shoulders and almost down to my waist at times. However, with the impending threat of possibly loosing my hair due to Chemo, I decided to have it cut so if I did lose it, it wouldn't be too much of a shock. It now sits just above my shoulders and I have swoop bangs. (never had bangs in my life!).

Due to the cancer I have also been having constant fevers that last all day so my parents invested in some beanie hats for me to wear to help keep me worm. Apparently the change in hair and dress style was far too much for the dog to take in at one time.

The dog in question? This one. Lizzie.

 

She is the mild-mannered sweetheart who I have dubbed Little-shit Lizzie or Chicken-shit Lizzie in the past. Why? Because she is a chicken. I was harassing the dogs one day in the past and she nearly peed all the way down the hallway when she thought I was going to break into the house. Our other dog was just standing there wagging her tail at me.

Anyway. Yesterday I am standing in the living room as my mother cooks Thanksgiving dinner and I am pulling on my layers, jacket zipped up and beanie firmly in place. When I hear Lizzie's prancing walk coming down the hall. Suddenly there is the sound of nails scrapping on the hardwood floors as the dog is trying to double back, barking viciously.

Kahlua, our 100+ pound chocolate lab comes barreling down the hall, fully prepared to get whatever cat is walking through the yard, but Lizzie isn't after a cat. Empowered by Kahlua's presence, Lizzie eyes her target and goes psycho. I'm talking the hair all the way down her back was standing on end and and the fangs were out. It was only as she charged at me did I realize she didn't recognize me.

Thankfully I was able to pull the beanie off before she got to me. She also didn't come near me for a few hours after that. Kahlua on the other hand... kept walking around to all the windows looking for the damn cat that didn't exist.

2nd Cancer Post

Just to start off, I will be posting on things besides my cancer updates. I mean, I am living back home with my parents so I am beyond positive my mother will provide me with numerous stories to tell you about and some poetry will follow as well. But on to the update.

I went to the oncologist Tuesday and got the run down of everything. One of the key things that I liked about the whole appointment was that Chemotherapy has come a long way and nausea/vomiting/fatigue is not as common as it use to me. It is still a factor in the treatment but my doctor believes that I wont be physically restricted by it much if at all. I am very happy about that.

There are different stages of the cancer and two different grades as well. I am doing several blood tests, chest x-rays, three CT scans, and a bone marrow biopsy all before next Tuesday to find out the exact stage of the cancer (how far it has progressed). The doctor determined just from my symptoms that I am at at least stage 2 of 5 and that I have several "B" symptoms which means this is the aggressive grade of the disease. But still, looking at good odds.

The treatment actually happens in six cycles, each lasting 21 days. As to how many of those days I will actually be having my treatments, we don't know yet. We have to wait for all the other testing to get in and a port or PICC line to be done. It is basically an IV catheter inserted into the artery in my upper arm, or in my chest by my heart. I am personally leaning towards the arm.

But to be honest, the biggest adjustment of this all has been moving back home. It is by far the biggest mental battle these last few days at least. It's a challenge to go from living your life the way you had envisioned it in a town that had everything you could want, to being back in a small country town and relatively dependent on your parents. HOWEVER, I thought this would be a good time to look at the positive things this move has brought with it. Here are three of them.

1) A tank of gas will last me nearly a full month. Nothing to do, no where to go, saves gas. Always a plus.

2) Access to a full size washer/dryer/dishwasher. If you have ever lived in an apartment, you know what I am talking about. Those things are tiny.

3) Mama's cooking. Nothing beats a home cooked meal, and no home cooked meal is better than my mother's cooking. Especially with my birthday being... tomorrow... huh, I thought I had a few days still. Anyway. She is going to spoil me with my favorite meal and my favorite cake. So big pluses there.


I am currently still getting settled in but hopefully the whole process will be done by next weekend so I can get to my writing, even if it is just rambles to get my thoughts out. Thank you again to everyone for all the messages and emails. They have kept me smiling and moving forward. Thank you. Thank you.

1st Cancer Post

Firstly, I want to thank absolutely everyone for their kind words, well wishes, thoughts and prayers. It is overwhelming to receive so many yet I am so unbelievable grateful for each and every one. Thank you.

I know there is a rough road ahead of me but I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet. I figure when I go to the first Oncologist appointment it will. That comes soon enough. As for right now, I am in high spirits. I mean, I'm a pretty relaxed individual to begin with. I take things as they come and don't get worked up about much. So until something comes at me with this, I'm not really feeling any nerves. Though I'm sure that will change in the next few days. lol

So I thought I would start this journey off with the decision that changed and probably in the long run will save my life, my surgery. I had actually been tempted to put it off when it was first suggested due to limited finances, but thankfully (and an odd thankfully it is) the pain was so bad that it interfered too much with my daily life to be ignored. So I did what I needed to and scheduled the surgery for as soon as I could.

For my first post, I want to remember the first real step in the right direction. And I mean... chicks dig scars, right???

It's about two inches long and the stitches just came out Monday when I found out the news. My mother joked that I waited too long because Halloween was the day BEFORE my surgery. I could have gone as Frankenstein.

Wish I could find the picture after my needle biopsies... Looked like a vampire had gotten a hold of me. (Side note, it is so red and the extra lines on my neck are from the layers of tape we had just removed. No worries.)

And now just over a week later. (And yes I purposefully wore the same shirt. I am that much of a dork.):

I will be posting another update once I get settled back home and see my new doctor on Tuesday. Thank you all again. You are making this a good start to a long journey.

~/~/~/~

It's strange when time passes by so slow.
Reminds me of my childhood.

Reminds me of moments of nothing;
no worries, no fears.
Just moments of pureness,
not the passings of years.

Time meant nothing
and was clocked by the sun.
The day was spent running,
doing nothing that wasn't fun.
It was an innocence that still lingers.
The lightness is still felt in my chest.
And a smile plays upon my lips,
but I'm torn, wanting to forget.

The memories make me smile
but that smile slowly fades.
Because they are only memories
and my time now is spent in this maze.
Full of lefts and rights
with each right yet still wrong.
And I stand lost in the middle,
wondering if this is even where I belong.

Why am I here?
Forget how. I don't care.
But why am I stuck in this place,
so lost, yet aware.
I know it doesn't feel right,
this place is not meant for me.
I'm meant for that day in the grass,
my heart's meant to be carefree.

Meant for those memories of nothing;
no worries, no fears.
Just memories of pureness,
not the passings of years.

It's strange when time passes by so slow.
Reminds me of my childhood.

~/~/~/~

This Place is Empty

~/~/~/~

This place is empty right here beside me,

yet I can still see your face.

See the warm smile playing on your lips,

how bashfully you look away.

Now my day is better, worries are less,

just to think of you so near.

But my heart saddens, heavy in my chest,

at night when your face disappears.

The night is so cruel to take you from me,

but the truth is what I must bare.

Our days have ended and our time has passed,

I'm lonely but I'm not scared.

I know there's someone just waiting for me,

simply to glance their way.

I'll see her smile so warmly towards me

and I'll smile at her just the same.

Because there's this place right here beside me,

and she just made my heart race.

Can't help my smile from growing wider

as she bashfully looks away.

~/~/~/~

It's been a while...

I have been struggling, not just with words
but the thoughts in my head.
Trying to figure out what I'm thinking,
trying to find something worth being said.

And writing that down,
confessing it aloud,
has granted me a moment of freedom,
the first in months I have found.

I feel confined,
somehow trapped in this box.
And no one can help me out
until I write a key for its locks.

It my own mind,
it's a maze that only grows bigger.
With a complexity that exponentially deepens
the longer I stare in this mirror.

Seeing and knowing what I'm looking for lies inside,
wrapped away safely, just waiting for me to find.

Bittersweet

~/~/~/~

I use to think bittersweet was just a word.

Just a word said by those who in the past had heard.

One of those things latched on to and kept.

Used to express things no one knew how to say and yet magically fit.

But never meaning or defining or somehow deeply healing internally when said,

yet here I stand corrected with the word bittersweet lingering in my fuzzy and disordered head.

Because these are the times of pain that somehow, someway bring their own form of good,

not even just from optimism on my behalf, though given that road to take, I would.

No, these are the times when you are suppose to and do feel sad,

but the circumstances surrounding you and her and how it all played out leaves you oddly glad instead.

The pain is still there, thudding heavily with each breath.

Kicking the wind from your lungs and squeezing the heart still held within your chest.

But even now you catch your own paused sigh of relief,

and the one word that springs to mind is that life so bittersweet.

~/~/~/~