1st Cancer Post

Firstly, I want to thank absolutely everyone for their kind words, well wishes, thoughts and prayers. It is overwhelming to receive so many yet I am so unbelievable grateful for each and every one. Thank you.

I know there is a rough road ahead of me but I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet. I figure when I go to the first Oncologist appointment it will. That comes soon enough. As for right now, I am in high spirits. I mean, I'm a pretty relaxed individual to begin with. I take things as they come and don't get worked up about much. So until something comes at me with this, I'm not really feeling any nerves. Though I'm sure that will change in the next few days. lol

So I thought I would start this journey off with the decision that changed and probably in the long run will save my life, my surgery. I had actually been tempted to put it off when it was first suggested due to limited finances, but thankfully (and an odd thankfully it is) the pain was so bad that it interfered too much with my daily life to be ignored. So I did what I needed to and scheduled the surgery for as soon as I could.

For my first post, I want to remember the first real step in the right direction. And I mean... chicks dig scars, right???

It's about two inches long and the stitches just came out Monday when I found out the news. My mother joked that I waited too long because Halloween was the day BEFORE my surgery. I could have gone as Frankenstein.

Wish I could find the picture after my needle biopsies... Looked like a vampire had gotten a hold of me. (Side note, it is so red and the extra lines on my neck are from the layers of tape we had just removed. No worries.)

And now just over a week later. (And yes I purposefully wore the same shirt. I am that much of a dork.):

I will be posting another update once I get settled back home and see my new doctor on Tuesday. Thank you all again. You are making this a good start to a long journey.

Updated Pic and Questions

Alrighty. Someone asked for an updated pic of my tattoo and I will gladly post. But just to make note... it is really, really hard to take a picture of a white ink tattoo. Especially one in this placement...

Also, I have been emailed several questions that I will be answering on love, true love, and being in love. But since they are pretty serious topics, I will be posting those answers later.

The Photo Challenge

I was challenged via email to go through my pictures on my computer and post 10 random photos (not of myself). I have accepted said challenge and now present you with those random photos. I will be getting back to your questions this week. I have several lined up including how/why Glee/Faberry, some more about school, and some other random ones. I haven't forgotten them. I promise.

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My Confession

I have a confession to make. I, am a dork. In many ways but those other ones don't really matter. The reason I am referring to at the moment is my love for museums and aquariums. I can't exactly explain what it is about them that draws me in and keeps my mind happy, but it works every time. I love museums and aquariums so much, that they would actually be an ideal date for me (something to keep you talking as well as dim lighting should you two already be familiar with each other). Especially the aquarium my parents and I visited on our last family vacation in Chattanooga, Tennessee. I could have spent hours in there.

This aquarium actually has two separate buildings. One focusing on river life and the second focusing on ocean life. Here are some pictures I took during our visit. As always, click to see them larger.



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Going through all of these photos reminded me of a few stories to share so I will be getting to those tomorrow. I will also get back to some of your questions.

Questions

Firstly, thank you all for your kind comments. I truly was not expecting them. Between all the comments and the emails I received, I was blown away. But this is that little family I was talking about when I mentioned the importance of sharing coming out stories. Though we may seem alone, we aren't. So if there are anymore questions regarding that topic or if you just want to share your own thoughts, I will gladly listen and try to answer. Now that I've gotten it out there, I'm not as scared to get into the details if need be. But again, thank you for your support.

On to several questions:

The Question: What state do I live in that would have a school near a beach?

The Answer:

I have lived most of my life in various parts of Florida. But I went to high school in Daytona Beach. Loved the area. Miss the area. Miss the events, the beach, even the birds... (here is a picture of the school to give you an idea)

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The Question: How did I get into the medical field?

The Answer:

It found me. No, um... my father is a laboratory technologist and when I graduated from high school, I needed a job. We had just moved to this lovely... small... country town and there wasn't much more than doctor's offices, car dealerships, and Walmart. So, I got a job working as a phlebotomist, drawing people's blood. I should probably address a common misconception. I am not a lab tech. My dad is and I just work in the lab, forming a close relationship with the lab techs that I work with. I'm currently the phlebotomy supervisor while I figure out if/when/why I will go back to school.

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The Question: What color eyes does your sister have?

The Answer:

LOL. Yeah, I knew it was a little hard to see in that picture. Her eyes are usually brown, but they are known for turning a bit green with those golden bursts. So they are usually brown but better classified as brown/green hazel. Which in itself is interesting seeing as I have blue eyes, while my father's are plain brown and my mother's are a blue/brown hazel.

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Keep the questions coming. I still have some that were emailed to me that I will answer, but next... I think I might do some pictures from a recent vacation since you all want pictures as well. I might throw a poem in there as well. Sotries too... that's a lot of stuff... Keep coming back and I will get to it all.

Just found an old memory card from my camera and discovered one of my new favorite photos. This is of my sister's eye and if you look closely you can actually see me in the reflexion her eyes.

As always, click on it to make it larger. Much larger in this case.

Random Fact #1

I love optical illusions. I'm not entirely sure why, but they fascinate me. I think it might be that something as complex as our minds can be so easily tricked. Or, looking at if from the other end of things, it's amazing that our minds are so advanced that they try to find logical explanations for things without us feeling as if we are 'thinking' in order to do it. Who really knows?

But why am I bringing this up? Well, I was shuffling through so pictures I had taken on a past vacation and I found the one posted below. It looks as if the hallway just keeps going, BUT in reality, you can't actually walk past where I'm standing. It actually narrows down until it's just a foot or so high. Also, ten points of coolness if anyone knows where this photo was taken.

For My Readers

I've mentioned this in the author's notes section of BWYDT, but I feel it needs more explaining. I know I have shared with you a few screen caps that have shown the number of you there are and how much feedback I have received with that particular story. But I would like to share something a little bit more personal now.

Since I was a little kid, I have struggled with feeling inadequate. I know must people have at some point in their lives, I always have. I've tried to figure out how best to describe this to you all and my sister summed it up rather nicely for me, so I will borrow her words. Growing up, my parents expected us to do well at everything and were disappointed if we didn't live up to their expectations, wanting to know why we weren't able to. While we were always encouraged to try something new or different, our efforts were never appreciated or praised because the results were expected. Why praise something we should have been doing in the first place? They very much lived by the mentality of never saying 'you did great' but rather saying 'that was okay,  but this is what you need to do to be better'.

That left a void and a feeling that no matter how much I tried, it would never be enough or at least never what they wanted. I could never reach that level of perfection that would win their praises. It's not that they were trying to be hurtful. They were simply wanting us to keep pushing so we never settled for less of anything. I understand this, but it still hurt and has left very deep wounds that have affected me in many aspects of my life, past and present.

The reason I'm sharing this is because of all of you. Your messages, letters, reviews... all of them have filled this void. For the first time in my twenty-four years, I felt like I had done something worth while and that was appreciated. When I first started writing, it was just to write. But with BWYDT, when I added the tattoos and poetry, it became so much more for me and for most of you. I made a connection with several of you that I was never expecting and am left without words to describe how thankful I am for. To those of you who have sent me letters telling me how much that story has impacted your life, you have done the same for me. You have given me the confidence to try something and actually believe that what I'm writing is something special. That I've managed to do something well enough that you can take something away from it. Like I've finally succeeded at something. So I thank you. Thank you for giving me something that I never thought I would find.

To remind myself of this fact, that if I try, I can do something worth while, I got this.

I just got it today and it's still healing, but it's not meant how it is explained in the story. Not entirely at least. But this phrase is what everyone latched onto. This was the first real piece of me that I put into the story that I had been hesitant to share because I didn't think it would be understood. You all proved me wrong and I am so happy you did.

Not only that, but after realizing how much of an impact that story has had and how much of a positive response I have received from it, my parents are actually proud of my attempts. I know that might not sound like much, but it's a lot to me. Thank you again for giving me something I never thought I would find.

The Things I Find on My Phone

My phone beeped at me today that the memory was getting full so I decided to delete some of the pictures I had on it and I found a crap load of ones that I don't even remember taking but I thought a few of them were pretty cute.

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This, I do remember, was taken right before Halloween. Our 'chocolate' lab defied the odds and consumed an entire bag of M&Ms (wrappers and all) without getting sick or dieing, seeing as dog's aren't suppose to eat chocolate.

I don't know if it's just me or not, but when I saw this sign... my mind went to the gutter.



This is the only place in the laboratory that I work at where her cell phone can get reception. I don't know what provider she has, but I'm glad it's not mine.

And yes. This is my father on a carousel.

A Picture Is Worth 1,000 What?

You know how people say a picture is worth a thousand words? Well, I found out recently that they are also worth 1,000 questions which form an interrogation that has now made me question how invasive pictures can be into one's life. For example, I was messing around with my camera and took the picture posted below. I never deleted it from the card afterward and when I was unloading them all onto my computer a friend began making observations in the form of questions.

Did you take that? Yes.
Is that your bedroom? Yes.
Do you ever make your bed? No.
Is that your top sheet covering the windows? Yes.
Have you ever thought of putting up curtains? Yes.
Are you going to? No.
Is that a picture of an eyeball on your wall? Yes.
Whose eye is that? Mine.
Yours? Yes.
Doesn't that creep you out to have by your bed? No.
It would creep me out. ...
Did you take all those pictures? Yes.
Do you ever answer a question in more than one word? ...yes.
...Smart ass.