Embarrassment

Embarrassment and I have grown to possess a very unique relationship. Since I was about fifteen, I no longer suffered from second hand embarrassment. You know, not the embarrassment you get from doing something stupid, but the embarrassment you get from realizing that someone else has seen you do something stupid. Yeah, I am no longer affected by that. Incidents like that usually result in the other person either laughing or smiling at me as I look them in the eye and nod my head, saying 'Yes, I really just did do that'. It's completely natural to me now. How? The answer is very simple. My family and a life time of moments like the following:

One Saturday afternoon, when I was about thirteen, I was walking through the local mall with my mother and my aunt, ducking my head and avoiding eye contact with everyone I passed. It wasn't necessarily just the embarrassment of having the older women at my sides. I am quite fond of both from time to time. That's not it at all. It's the fact that the mall is a very traumatizing place for me. There's the endless shopping and the constant 'I don't like that, it makes you look butch' comments, or the persistent 'how about we try on a dress' pleas to which I silently start screaming at in my head.

You see, I'm not one to pull attention to myself. I enjoy my easily overlooked place in the background of life. I'm the one never in front of the camera, or if I am, I am hardly ever smiling if I even bother removing my hand from my face. I am perfectly content with being ignored unless I am needed, then after providing my services I seep back into my place. This personality trait, however, makes most of my family cringe. Cringe, as well as motivate them to constantly pester me to step out more often. But this brings us back to the afternoon at the mall and my family's complete lack of respect for my modesty.

I'm walking through the mall, minding my own business, keeping to myself and out of everyone's way while remaining highly uncomfortable in my surroundings, when my mother and aunt start gawking at a boy they think would be cute for me or pointing to something and discussing the equally embarrassing topic loudly. My reaction when people start staring at them: turn around and walk away. Great solution and hardly noticeable... but not when it comes to my family.

Mom: Brandi, where are you going?”

Brandi: … (keeps walking)

Aunt: I think we embarrassed her.

Mom: (speaks a little louder since I have started walking away) Did we embarrass you, Sweety?

Brandi: … (keeps walking)

Aunt: Yeah. We did.

Mom: We always do. We're horrible.

Brandi: … (keeps walking)

Aunt: (Calls out with desperation in her voice) Brandi! Don't leave us! We're your family, you can't deny us!!!!!

The shoppers surrounding them stop and stumble, some bumping into each other, as they look at my aunt and then around to find this mysterious Brandi person. I, to this day, have no clue who she is.